how do i start.

lately, i start to realised what's wrong with me. i actually found out that i am but a selfish character. often, i wouldn't put myself in other's shoes and understand their situation. through talks, things that happen and some thinking, it was true.

shurong called me and explained smth to me today. plus a lot more of other big and small incidents. and text conversations with D regarding 'why i feel so lonely' makes me feel that i am actually waiting for ppl to give but i am not giving.

lastly, a relationship that i dont wan to say. it makes me realised that i am so selfish. i didnt put myself into his shoes and think. if i were him, i wont juggle everything as nicely.

conclusion is that. i am selfish, taking things for granted. and that includes taking my friends for granted. alot of times, i've been wondering. how is it so that i have only a small circle of friends? as in really close friends that u can go out alone with. i am such a failure in handling relationships. be it bgf or friendships.

shurong has been a v nice friend to me throughout all this. even though sometimes i didnt call her for a long while. during cny period, i didnt even call and wish her happy cny or similiar. yet, she still will call me aft cny settled and swear vuglarities at me demanding y i didnt call her! haha. if it was other ppl, they would have left me.

i feel like crying while typing out all this. but nonetheless, i'm still glad for that mini bunch of friends ard me. and that i am lucky that i know what's actually wrong with me. the whole root of the prob starts because i am the only child. and mum has been doting and fussing over me a whole lot. i get mostly anything i want.

no! i am not blaming everything on my past nor my mum nor the way i was brought up. i am just blaming myself for taking things for granted.


I LOVE MY LIFE, EVERYTHING.
AND SO, I WILL CHANGE. HOPEFULLY.


one more thing. i've just tried out facebook's 'when will you get married' quiz. and bloody it says 45. imagine at the age of 45. will i get any kids then?

but to a certain extent, it was true, somewhat. my dream guy actually existed on earth, and not in storybooks or on television. but however, they are all taken. say handsome, for example, he's married blissfully. so, after knowing that my dream guy do actually exist, how can i settle for the second best? i must find the guy that TOTALLY matches my criteria. and i dont tolerate any flaws in the relationships.

and i dont like the idea of having kids ard the house.

next point is. during the last drama serial on channel 8 9pm. when the 3 housewives got their wedding photos taken again, looking so happy and everything. i accidently looked over to mum. she look so sad and tired. at that point. i swear that i dont wan to get married because i dont wan to leave her alone and myself happily to another guy when she herself dont have a happy marriage. i know she'd probably want me to have a happy marriage on the outside but i believe that all humans are selfish. esp when it's she who gave me life. i want to be with her forever.

one day, me and mum talked abt her office neighbour boss's daughter who just got married because she was preg. then i told her. if i got preg then i dont get married. i stay with u. then when the child grows up, i'll tell everyone she's my sister. how about that? she just said i'm crazy. haha.